Learn to Love Again
by Kate8113
Summary: Set after April fails her boards and the plane crash. April moves back to Ohio planning to never return to Seattle, but some things you can't just leave behind. Jackson stays in Seattle after Mark's death and tries to move on after April left, but will he be able to? AU from how Grey's took the storyline.
1. Chapter 1

"I would like a quad, venti, three-pump sugarfree vanilla, nonfat, light foam, 180 degrees latte" demanded a short blonde in between barking demands on her Bluetooth to some poor soul.

April sighed. "May I have your name, please?"

"No. no. no! I did not tell you to bring the idea of expanding our business to Indianapolis up to John! What in God's name were you thinking?" The woman screeched.

"That you are psycho.." April mumbled under breath before smiling sweetly at the woman… "May I have your name, please?"

"I do not appreciate you going BEHIND my back…" the woman went on and on into the phone and thrust a platinum credit card in April's direction.

"Thanks.." April responded sarcastically as she swiped the card and then handed it back to the woman.

April shook her head to herself.

"You did get that I said sugarfree vanilla, right?"

"Yes, yes I did" April responded with a fake smile.

The woman sent a dirty glare in April's direction before informing the person on the phone of the Starbucks' barista's "incompetence" as the woman walked away and handed the cup off to her coworker to go make the latte.

I went to freaking medical school…April thought bitterly to herself as she glanced at the long line of customers she still had to assist. Medical School. Internship. Five years of residency….Now, I'm a freaking barista.

Obviously, it's not like she actually looked down upon baristas or that she felt superior to that line of work, but come on now…

Freaking. Medical. School. In the top 10% of her class. All because she flipped out and failed her boards. If she could go back….Her life wouldn't have changed so drastically.

A man coughed, which made April's attention refocus on her tasks at hand. "Did you hear me?" he asked rather rudely.

April smiled apologetically. "I'm so sorry, sir. Could you repeat that?"

"Nice work, Dr. Avery." Dr. Webber patted Jackson's back. "That was a remarkable surgery."

Jackson smiled in return. The cochlear implant surgery had been as successful as he could have imagined. Even Dr. Webber's transparent attempts to gain the respect of his girlfriends' son could not dampen Jackson's mood. "Thanks, Dr. Webber."

Dr. Webber and his mom had been dating for a few weeks now, and Jackson still had a hard time accepting the relationship. It's not that he deemed Dr. Webber to be an awful person…he just knew of the former chief's track record with women and he did not want his mom to get hurt. Plus, Webber's accidental overly sexual email aimed toward his mother that had landed in his own inbox..had not helped matters.

"Baby! You were amazing! You made your mother so proud" Catharine Avery walked up behind Jackson and hugged him hard before also giving Webber a quick kiss.

"Thanks, mom" Jackson responded genuinely.

"Dr. Sloan would have been extremely proud of you, son" Webber added.

Jackson smiled sadly. His previous mentor and friend had only passed away a month ago. The thought of the arrogant, but warm-hearted surgeon made Jackson's eyes water slightly. Ever since the plane crash, everything had changed.

He had lost his mentor and his ex-girlfriend who he also had considered a friend. Robbins lost her leg…Yang was in Minnesota.

April was gone. Well, she was still alive as far as knew, but he had essentially lost his best friend. He hadn't talked to April in two months. God, he missed her. He knew he had taken her presence for granted….And he shouldn't have agreed to sleep with her knowing her strong religious principles. Jackson felt so guilty for April failing her boards….Realistically; he knew it wasn't his fault and that April was a grown woman who was more than capable to make her own decisions, but he should have known.

Jackson also was angry. Why should he be responsible for her failing her boards? She is a 30 year old woman who kissed him first and basically begged him to sleep with him. Well, begged isn't the right word….He had always thought that April was attractive, and he would be lying if he hadn't have thought about sleeping with her before….BUT, she initiated the sex. THEN, she refused to look at him and initiated the sex AGAIN in the bathroom. Damn, that was hot…He wouldn't have expected it to feel so..right with her.

"Baby. Baby!" Dr. Avery waved her hands in front of her son's face. "Where did you go? It is rude to not respond to Richard."

Jackson quickly apologized. "I'm sorry, Dr. Webber…I'm just a bit distracted…I was just thinking about Sloan" He lied…and silently apologized to Dr. Sloan for being his copout. He did miss Sloan every day and didn't want to diminish his grief, but it was the absence of a certain red head that saddened him more as wrong as that may be.

"Dr. Sloan was a wonderful man" the chief smiled sadly.

"Well, baby, Richard and I must get going. You must know how proud you made your mother!" Catherine placed a big kiss on her son's cheek and then walked away with Dr. Webber.

Jackson stood against the wall for a moment. The happiness from his successful surgery was mostly gone now.

He had asked her to wait for him at Joe's. She didn't wait. Plus, their previous conversation hadn't ended as well as he would have liked…

_Jackson took another drink of his scotch as he slowly felt like the room was spinning…He wasn't sure what had possessed him to leave April SOO many voicemails…the first one hadn't been too bad. It had been him asking about Ohio and asking her to call him…Then he talked about Mark's deteriorating state…then him apologizing for her leaving Seattle…_

_It was 11pm in Seattle…which meant 2am in Ohio…but he didn't care. His best friend was ignoring him…_

_He would call until she freaking answered her cellular device. It was 2012 for goodness sakes._

_Jackson took another drink and then clicked the green button._

_April grunted as she saw the phone ringing….she knew she was being a baby and not responding to him…but she need a little freaking space. Didn't he know that hearing his voice made her realize what she had lost? Her board certification. Her job. Her life in Seattle. Her virginity. Her dignity about how she reacted to losing her virginity…Jackson. She lost her best friend…Sure, she may be SLIGHTLY dramatic, but her life in Seattle was over. The shame is too great to ever go back…She was fine with being known as Virgin Mary…but being known as the girl who lost her virginity to a one night stand to her best friend and then failed her boards and then was fired from her job and moved back to home to work at freaking Starbucks again..she couldn't handle that._

_But, he kept calling. She now had 10 voicemails from him. They hadn't spoken in over a week when she wasn't brave enough to face him at Joe's. They had texted very briefly…wishing each other luck…completely avoiding the topic of their passionate sex…_

_She had acted unfair to him….but he was also likely drunk…but maybe this was about Sloan? The last she knew he was still unconscious…_

_Okay. Fine. She would answer the phone._

"_Hello, Jackson?" She said a little too meekly._

"_APPPPPRRRILLLLL" Jackson said a little too excitedly._

"_Are you drunk?" April asked half annoyed and half terrified out of her minds just to be talking with Jackson._

"_I miss you, April" he answered simply._

"_I miss you too. How is Sloan?" April inquired hoping to avoid the elephant in the room._

"_Not doing well. According to Webber, he is on this 30 day plan."_

"_Oh Jackson. I am so sorry."_

"_Let's taaalk about us. We had sex" Jackson said nonchalantly as his drunkenness became apparent again._

_April grew silent._

"_APPPES. Please talk to me about it." The desperation in his voice was becoming more and more apparent. "Why don't you want to talk about it?"_

_Silence._

"_Was it bad for you?"_

_April was shocked he could even think that…"What? Jackson, no. Of course not" Did he know how sexy he was…it was amazing. Wait, did he think it was bad? "Was it bad for you?"_

"_Fuck no. It was amazing. Like REAAAAAAAL amazing. Like blow yourrr mind amazing."_

_April blushed…It had been blow your mind amazingly good…"Jackson, you're just really drunk."_

"_No. I'm not."_

"_Yes, you are."_

"_Okay. I am, but I did think the sex was hot"_

_April started to feel a bit more uncomfortable. She had waited 30 years with the intention of saving herself for her husband. She knew it was untraditional and people mocked her for it, but she felt a lot of guilt and to hear him talk so crassly about the hot sex made her feel a bit uneasy. Did she just live in a fairytale where she thought sex should be meaningful?_

"_APPES. Why aren't you talking…we should talk about it. No, actually we should do it more. You should come back now and we should do it more." The scotch in front of him was steadily disappearing._

_His tone started to make her angry. Being drunk doesn't justify him being so crass. Sure, it had just been sex for him, but it was her virginity…her promise to God._

"_You only want me to come back for the sex?"_

_Jackson was confused. "What? I mean yeah…the sex was greeeeat, but"_

_April shook her head to herself. Jackson was her best friend, but he shouldn't have been the man she gave herself to. They were too different… "Jackson. I'm not coming back. I think it's a great thing you are staying in Seattle because of Mark, but Seattle isn't home anymore…I don't have a job anymore."_

"_Apess."_

"_Since when do you call me Apes?! That was Karev's condescending nickname for me. Jackson, you're my best friend and I wish you the absolute best. But, I'm not coming back to Seattle."_

_Jackson grew angry. Why was he not good enough for her? Why wasn't he enough for her to come back? He needed her, but she didn't need him. He was getting angrier by the moment. Why had she initiated the sex that destroyed their friendship? She had been his best friend for 6 years now…the only one he could count on to accept him as Jackson and not as the grandson of Harper-Avery. She was his rock, but he wasn't anything to him…. "You aren't coming back?" He spit out angrily. "Ever?"_

_April sighed. She knew she was being unfair to him, but he would be just fine. "I'm sorry. I can't."_

_Jackson was losing his temper and laughed. "Of course you aren't coming back."_

_April was taken aback by his tone…"What the hell does that mean?"_

_Jackson took a drink of his new scotch. "You run. You are a freaking coward."_

_That comment coming from Jackson hurt worse than she would like to admit. "That is so unfair!"_

"_Is it though, APES? You can't handle things. You wanted to sleep with me and then wouldn't face me. Then, you failed your boards and lost your job. Instead of FIGHTING for your job or even fucking waiting for me Joes" Jackson's voice became more and more slurred. "you book the fiiirst flight back to Ohio and refuse to talk to me!"_

_April was so confused where this anger was coming from and her eyes teared up. "Jackson, you are drunk and none of this is fair to me. I don't know why you think you have the right to…"_

_Jackson interrupted. "I thought I knew you bettteerr. Fiiine. Don't come back. We are fine here without you." Jackson's drunkenness taking over all logic._

_April was hurt. There was no use trying to talk sense to him now. He didn't understand. Plus, they say that drunks are the most honest. She must have been wrong about him all along. "Fine, Jackson. Fine! Have a good night. Have a nice life" she spit out._

_Jackson laughed again. "Oh I will. You do as well. Try to not freak out at the next guy you sleep with."_

_April opened her mouth in shock. Why was he being so hurtful. "Bye" she said coldly and then hung up the phone. Why did she pick up the phone? Oh why? She sat up in her childhood bed and let the tears roll. April looked at the old posters on her wall and wondered how her life at her turned out this way…_

_Jackson sat there looking at his phone…the room was spinning like crazy…he didn't know why he was so angry. All he knew he needed to vomit, and then he ran to the bathroom._

April put on her jacket and hung up her freaking green apron and shook her head to herself. At one point, she used to give orders to the entire E.R., and now she took coffee orders… She missed surgery so much. April missed Seattle. Mostly, she missed Jackson. She felt nauseous thinking about the past two months and how it had all come to this. She knew Jackson hadn't meant to be such an ass on the phone, but his drunken honesty had been a wake up call. They hadn't talked since the phone call. Jackson had called her the next morning and left an apologetic voicemail where he apologized for being such an ass the night before. At first, the apology almost worked, but then April heard another girl on the voicemail who had called Jackson "babe" in the background. That had hurt her more than his harsh words during their phone call. He had moved on so quickly.

She knew she was being slightly irrational because she had told him she didn't ever intend to return to Seattle, but still. April knew things would never be the same between her and Jackson and she also knew that she didn't want to be with a man who would casually sleep with another girl a week after giving herself to him…Not that Jackson wanted anything more than just sex with her anyways.

"April! You alright?" a short brunette girl who also wore a green apron asked her. "You look like you are a million miles away."

April smiled. "Kayla, I kind of am. Thank you so much for asking"

"Well, I have my lunch. Want to grab a latte and talk about it?" she asked sweetly.

"Actually, that would be amazing. I really need someone to talk to" April spoke quietly. "I kinda have a whole freaking lot going on in my life now."

April had only met Kayla recently, but she had been her closest friend since returning home to Ohio. Kayla was around the same age as her and a very down to earth girl. April found it humbling to be around Kayla because while April had spent the last 10 years studying medicine and then practicing medicine, Kayla had worked at Starbucks. April felt slightly embarrassed that she had messed up her future as a doctor when she had been given all of the opportunity in the world. Kayla had to take care of her younger sibling since her parents had died in a car accident when Kayla was just 20 years old. From what April could tell, Kayla seemed to be an extremely hard worker.

After Kayla effortlessly made two delicious lattes, they sat down at a little round table by the window. "So," Kayla began. "What's up? I know we haven't known each other too long, but you seem like you are in major need of a friend and it just so happens that I can be a very kickass friend."

April smiled genuinely. "Perfect. That's exactly what I need."

"So, why do you look so troubled? I mean I would be troubled as well if I had my MD and I was working at Starbucks. I mean you shouldn't be afraid to say that" Kayla chuckled. "If was a doctor, I would look down on everyone here."

April gave her new a friend an incredulous look. "That is no way that people should treat each other."

Kayla rolled her eyes. "Blah blah blah. It's not that we all aren't equal, but come on now. You literally have saved lives…Literally. I save people from caffeine headaches" Kayla looked at April's expression sadden. "Actually, I'm dumb. I'm so sorry I'm bringing that up. I mean I know that you wouldn't be working here unless you had to."

"Do not feel sorry for me. I did this to myself. I was just dumb and freaked out about my personal life when taking my boards" April shook her head to herself when she thought about that awful day. April had gave the shortened version of what had happened…She may have edited the story slightly on account of the real events made her seem like a freaking crazy person.

"You can retake the boards, right?"

"Yeah, I can next year, but I don't know if I am going to" April answered honestly.

"April! I know that we just met, but what the hell? Can't you study when you aren't at work. I mean I know that I am no doctor, but I can see that not retaking your boards is a dumbass move" Kayla pause. "I'm sorry. That might have come out too harshly. You have your MD and you clearly are not a dumbass, but how could you possibly think you shouldn't retake them?! Trust me, you do NOT want to work here forever."

April's eyes started to water.

Suddenly, Kayla felt like the biggest jerk. "April! No. no. Don't cry. I'll just be quiet. You are supposed to be the one talking."

April shook her head. "No, you said everything right..I would be saying the same thing if I was you" April paused and wiped the tears from her eyes. "There is just more going on right now than just that."

Kayla chose to simply be quiet and to let April continue.

"Okay. So, I grew up in a religious home, well I actually prefer the word spiritual than religious because I think religion has negative connotations whereas I would consider myself more spiritual than religious" April paused for a second and seeing Kayla's confused look. "Oh. I'm sounding crazy, aren't I?"

Kayla laughed. "No, you aren't. I'm just trying to get how this all ties together. For the record, my parents were very spiritual and I have tried to raise up my little sisters in the church. So, I promise that I'm not judging."

April smiled, "Okay. Thanks. I appreciate that…well, long story short…which, for the record, is very hard for me to do..I tend to be very long-winded"

"April. Just tell me what's going on. My lunch is half over."

"So, I was a virgin. I was saving myself for marriage, but then I got super stressed about boards and punched a guy who was being a dick to me"

"Wait. Wait. You punched a guy? That's so badass" Kayla gave April an approving look.

"Yeah, well it felt great, but my brain somehow decided I should then give my virginity to my best friend of six years. It was more than I could have imagined, but then my guilt hit me like a ton of bricks. I was no longer going to be a virgin for the man I was going to marry and then I freaked out…Then, my guilt consumed me and I tanked my interview…Then, I was the only one who failed and then the chief fired me….and here, I am" April finally let out a breath of air.

Kayla took a minute to process everything… "Okay. Losing your virginity is a big deal…Do you still talk to the guy?"

April looked at the floor. "No, we haven't in a while. We got in a fight and it just meant a lot more to me than him and it was all just so freaking dumb."

"You said he was your best friend? So, he couldn't have been a bad guy?"

"No. No. Jackson is a great guy. I miss him so much."

"Then why don't you call him and try to work out some of your issues?"

April sighed. "I just can't. We want different things and he has moved on, but there's more to this than he knows and I don't freaking know what to do because I can't tell him because it would ruin his future!" April started crying softly.

Kayla looked at her new friend wanting to let April talk on her own pace.

April wiped her tears. "There is so much more freaking more to this, but I can't tell him. Not yet, at least…I never thought I would be that girl, but I just can't…I mean we are still facebook friends…and he looks so friggin happy. He's been tagged in many pictures with this pretty blonde girl, and he clearly has moved on. I can't ruin his future. I can't be the person who makes him choose.." April, now forgetting she was in public, started sobbing.

Kayla moved seats and how sat right by the saddened redhead.

"I had a plan. I was going to be a board certified surgeon, and married for three years to the man of my dreams before having a baby. Not…living back home in Ohio working at Starbucks with a baby with a man I don't even talk to anymore and who seems to have a 20 year old blonde girlfriend. That's why I can't retake my boards. I'm going to be a single mother and I can't do that if I work 80 hours a week as a surgeon. My baby deserves a mom who is present."

"April. I know this is a lot…and I don't want to overstep…but don't you think the baby deserves a father…and that the father deserves to know?" Kayla asked softly.

April shook her head. "In a perfect world, yes. Trust me, I am judging myself as well and if I was you, I would think that I was a crazy bitch. BUT, Jackson doesn't want to be a father…he wants to sleep around and live the life of a fancy plastic surgeon. He doesn't want to be tied down and I can't be the one who destroys him…" April continued crying. "I love him too much to do that. And this baby needs a father who is present and wants him or her."

Kayla hugged her friend. "Okay, I know this is awful timing, but Chris is literally glaring at me to get back to work…You should go home and take a nap, but I think we should talk more about this."

April smiled through her tears. "Okay. Thanks for listening. I should get going. I'm so tired and nauseous." She watched Kayla walk back behind the counter as she touched her still flat abdomen. She went into the contacts in her phone and looked at some old pictures of her smiling Jackson. She whispered to his picture, "I'm so sorry, but I know this is what you would want." After realizing some other customers were looking at her strangely, she put on her coat and grabbed her bag and then left Starbucks.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey everyone! Thanks for reading! I thought I would post a second chapter. I have been having major Grey's withdrawal, so I thought I would try writing a fanfiction. Please tell me your thoughts and if I should continue the story! Thanks!**

"Have you heard from Kepner?" Alex asked Jackson while they were eating lunch in the attending's room. "How is she doing anyways?"

Jackson's stomach dropped. He didn't like to think about April. It hurt to think about her. "Honestly, no, I haven't heard from her."

"She's doing pretty well. About as well as you could expect considering" Meredith chirped in.

Christina scoffed. "Yeah, cuz working at freaking Starbucks is so ideal."

Jackson stared at them confused. "Wait. You guys have talked to her? She works at Starbucks?" Why the hell had she broken off communication with him and not to freaking Meredith and Christina? April hadn't even liked them that much.

Alex laughed. "So, you two have talked to Kepner, but Jackson haven't? That is weird. You two don't even like her."

"No, I don't like her" Christina responded matter of factly. " I haven't talked to her, just Mer pities her soul."

Meredith shrugged her shoulders. "I've always had a soft spot for Kepner."

Alex rolled his eyes. "Sure you have."

"Well, after she stopped having that crush on Derek. Anyways, I've updated her on some of her patients. She seems to be okay."

Jackson wanted to ask Meredith a thousand questions, but didn't want to appear too desperate…Did she mention the sex to Meredith?

"Pretty boy, I'm oddly curious. Why don't you talk to Virgin Mary anymore? I just got back to Seattle and I would love some juicy gossip" Christina chimed in.

Jackson attempted to appear nonchalant, "I mean….we've just been really busy and…"

"Does she not approve the blonde intern you are screwing? You know she is pretty hot. I wouldn't really have pegged you for screwing the interns, but whatever works for you Avery" Alex mocked.

While Jackson didn't really want to talk about whatever he was doing with Anna, the intern…he was happy that the subject was changed from talking about April.

"Hey! There is nothing wrong with interns having relations with attendings. Right, Mer?" Christina defended. "Oh, I've missed Seattle."

"Well, I clearly cannot judge" Meredith laughed. "Is that serious at all, Jackson?"

Jackson shook his head. "Nope. Not really."

"For now. Maybe you two will fall madly and passionately in love" Christina said sarcastically as she looked down at her pager. "Oh crap. Alex, our kid just coded. We have to go." Christina and Alex quickly got up and left the attendings' lounge. So, Meredith and Jackson remained.

It was silent for a bit. "Meredith, did April say anything about me?" Jackson actually respected Meredith and he didn't think she would go on to blab his concern to the rest of the hospital.

Meredith smiled softly, "First off, I haven't talked to April that many times and it's normally just about the patients."

"How is she really?"

Meredith's expression grew a bit more serious. "I mean she seems pretty miserable working as a barista considering she has her M.D. She likes seeing her parents, but I think she is pretty down actually." Meredith watched Jackson's pained expression. "She mentioned going to church a lot…what happened between you two? You both always seemed so close? It seems a bit strange to me that you two would stop talking even if she moved away."

Jackson paused…not knowing whether he should say more to Mer. "This will stay with me, I promise" Meredith responded knowingly.

Jackson let out a sigh. "Okay. April and I slept together the night before we took the boards"

"Jackson!" Meredith smacked him. "She was a virgin! What you were thinking?"

"She is the one who initiated it! We weren't drunk!" Jackson defended. "I mean, I don't know if I should have known better, but trust me, she wanted to. I didn't take her virginity…she gave it to me."

Meredith stared at him for a minute. "Okay. So, you two slept together. Then, did she freak out because of her guilt and fail her boards?"

"Well, I don't know what exactly happened…but yeah, yeah I guess so" Jackson said quietly. "I mean, she's clearly competent to pass her boards."

Meredith chuckled. "People always gave her a rough time, especially when she first came here. Honestly, I think we were a bit threatened by her."

Jackson looked at Meredith a bit surprised. He was used to always coming to April's defense, and it was really nice hearing someone complement her. If only she was here now...

Meredith stared at him for a minute. It was a bit unnerving for Jackson. "What?" He finally said.

"You have feelings for her, don't you?"

Jackson started to talk and to tell her that was ridiculous...but honestly, the words couldn't come out..and he chose just to remain silent.

Meredith smiled slightly. "Jackson. You can't help who you fall for..."

"Wait...Now, I think that might be stretching it...I mean she's my best friend...or she was best friend, but..I don't know if it matters anymore. I mean she's gone...and" Jackson paused looking defeated. "She's not coming back."

"Jackson, she doesn't have a job here. Why would she come back? She is completely humiliated. Not to mention, I don't think you told her how you felt."

Jackson opened his mouth to respond, but Meredith kept going.

"She has no idea how you feel. Did you guys even talk about the sex?"

"I wanted to, but then she wanted to be alone that night. Then, I wanted to before the boards and she mentioned Jesus hating her...Then, she failed her boards and got wasted...And then the plane crash and I had to get Sophia up to Mark...and she left."

Meredith didn't like to think about the crash that took her little sister's life, but tried to bounce back pretty quickly. "You know there's a beautiful invention. It's called a phone."

"Mer, I know that. I tried calling her...but she only picked up when I was wasted...and I'm pretty sure I said some nasty drunk things that I didn't mean...but I just wanted my best friend back."

"Shit. It's nearly 1, I have to get to the O.R." Meredith said as she glanced at her watch. "Look. Jackson. Give her another call. What could it hurt?"

Jackson sighed. "You're right."

"I know. I normally am." Before leaving the room, she added, "And please. Stop seeing that dumb blonde girl. I liked April more than her even when she carried around that little notebook and was all crushed out on my husband."

"Noted" Jackson responded.

April laid down on her childhood bed. She thought of when she was younger and she dreamed of being a doctor one day. To her parent's dismay, she occasionally opened up frogs to try to operate on. She tried saving her favorite pig once...even pounding on its chest in a last effort to try to save him. She had dreamed of actually being able to save someone's life one day.

And she had saved a life. She had saved many lives. April also thought about those she couldn't save...the ones she had accidentally killed due to a misjudgment...or a simple error.

Maybe it was best that her dreams of being a board certified surgeon fell through. Who knew the other people she would have killed..She shook her head to herself...She didn't like being so negative, but it was so friggin painful thinking about surgery..knowing she wouldn't be able to cut someone open and have his or her life in her own hands.

She didn't only miss the surgery. She missed the people. Her people...She even missed Christina and Alex and their sarcastic responses to everything...Imagine if they knew she lost her virginity...Maybe they did know. Did Jackson tell them? Probably not. He was too private for that.

Jackson. She missed him with every fiber of her being. She thought about calling him a hundred times of a day. She even found herself staring at old pictures of them...refreshing his Facebook page...Clearly, she had too much time on her hands...She put on hand on her still flat belly. Her innocent little child growing.

She always wanted to be a mom. This just wasn't how she expected it to be. It was supposed to her and her husband together.

Jackson was a good man. He would be an amazing father...she just couldn't be the one to make him settle...or have something he didn't want. Realistically, she knew Jackson would step up, but she knew how he felt about kids...They had talked about whether or not they wanted kids before...Respectively...Not together...clearly. And he was always adamant in his stance that he didn't want them. Of course, he had also barely been around them, and she knew on some level that could be his lack of a fatherly presence in his own life talking...but, she couldn't put pressure on him to raise a baby when he didn't want to...

April stood up and looked in the mirror. "Well, little one" She spoke softly. "I'm your mama. We're going to be just fine. You and me." Tears started to roll down her cheeks...Or was she wrong? Could she honestly live with herself knowing she didn't tell Jackson about his child? What about when her child grows up and asks where his father is...

If she doesn't tell him, she will never see him again. There is no way Jackson could ever be around their child...and her not tell him...he would figure it out...This would have to literally be cutting herself from him forever...Did she have that in her?

Tears were now falling freely as she sat back down on her bed and stared at the Justin Timberlake poster...which reminded her of Jesus...as odd as that sounded...the amount of times she prayed to Jesus in this room...and she would open her eyes and there Justin would be...her pastor said it was fine...April shook her head to herself at her own weirdness..

What would Jesus do? She didn't talk about her faith too often in Seattle...she had always been judged for it, but being back in her childhood room...she couldn't help but think about what God would think. Sure, premarital sex is a sin, but so is lying...

She honestly didn't know what to do. She couldn't keep this bottled up anymore...In the past, she would have talked to Jackson, but she couldn't now...Kayla was at work. She hadn't even begun writing the speech she would give her parents about having a baby out of wedlock without a father...

April found herself calling an old friend. She just needed to talk with someone...carrying around this stress wasn't good her baby. "Please pick up. Please pick up"

No answer. Straight to voicemail. "Meredith. Come on!" Realistically, she knew she was in surgery.

Her previous willpower to not call Jackson was quickly diminishing...Why didn't she have more friends here in Ohio? Oh yeah, it was because she had not lived here in years.

Before she knew what she was doing, she had pressed the call button by Jackson's smiling face and was holding her breath as she held the phone to ear...

Oh My God. What are you doing, Kepner? You hadn't planned for this...Oh good. It's still ringing. He's also probably in surgery. It's okay. He won't answer and you can pretend you never called him. Change your phone number...change your name...

Oh God. Oh God.

Jackson wasn't even going to look at who was calling...he expected it was Anna wanting to tell him about her day.

April.

April was calling him? Breathe, Jackson told himself. Just breathe. "Hello?" Jackson grimaced at high pitched his voice had sounded..."April?" He said in a deeper voice.

April couldn't speak. What am I doing? What am I doing?

"April, are you there?" Jackson asked hesitantly..afraid this was some twisted joke..

"Jackson" she responded softly.

Jackson paused...why had she called him? Is he supposed to control the conversation. "What's up?" He said lamely...shaking his head at his choice of words.

"Uh. I was just wondering how everything is doing since the plane crash"...And I'm having your baby..she thought to herself.

"It's been rough since Lexie and Mark died Plus, since the rest of them were compensated with 15 million each...the hospital is in financial turmoil" Jackson responded simply..aware of the oddity of the casual tone of the conversation.

"Jackson, I am so sorry about Mark. I know he meant a great deal to you" April responded sincerely.

"Thanks. It's been tough. Things are so different around here.." He wanted to mention how different things were here without her...but he was wary to jump into that yet.

"I bet" April wanted to kick herself for being so silent...Normally, she rambles.. Her brief responses were even weirding out herself.

"Yeah..Uh. How have you been? How's Ohio life?"

Miserable. "It's great" April lied.."I love seeing my family every day and um. Yeah, it's great."

"Good. Good to hear" Jackson wondered if she missed him.

An awkward pause happened. "How are you doing?" Crap. Crap. Didn't she already ask him that? Oh wait...maybe she didn't...

"I'm alright" Jackson paused and then started to feel a little braver. "I miss you. Things really are different here without you."

April smiled as her eyes filled with tears. "I miss you, too."


End file.
